drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
