i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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