She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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