I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
