I just threw up on my dentist
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Randomize
