I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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