The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
