Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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