omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
