Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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