My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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