Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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