A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
