Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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