I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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