remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
