cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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