Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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