i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I enjoy the company of your penis
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
