Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
