you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
