put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
