I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize