i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
