I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
