I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
