Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
