Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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