I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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