just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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