At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
