also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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