Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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