I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
When are your genitals available?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
