3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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