when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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