Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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