Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
