Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Randomize
