I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
