got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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