made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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