he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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