Pants 0. Shit 1.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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