I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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