Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize