apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
