note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
