I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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