so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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