no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
