Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
