my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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