I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
