Moan for me like Helen Keller
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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