mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
