I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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