Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
