I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
