My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
