how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
