Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize