She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
